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Why You Have to Stop Judging Others to Make a Breakthrough

judging others

I know the feeling. You’ve tried a couple of things in an attempt to make some headway but it just seems like you’re running in place.

There are times when you get so frustrated, you don’t know what to do anymore. You don’t understand what you’re doing wrong.

Why aren’t you getting anywhere? Why aren’t things moving?

Where’s that breakthrough!

You need something. Some type of consistent progress to show things are moving along in the right direction. Because at this point you’re starting to doubt that you are.

But you can easily tell when someone else is screwing up.

You’re talking to a friend about one of your siblings. Your friend asks how they are doing. You quickly provide them with generic comment.

But shortly after you go into how your sibling screwed up majorly.

You go into all the details about how he shouldn’t have done this and he should’ve done that instead. How this resulted in that and that’s why their life is a big fat mess.

Now, somewhere in between, “How’s your brother doing?” and your response, what was a conversation between you and your friend has become a monologue filled with your critical opinions of how your brother is living is life.

Your friend was just being polite in asking you about someone in your family but you turned it into an all-out bashing session starring you, judging others.

But look at your life. You can’t even break down the barrier to progress.

It’s like you’re running a race on a treadmill, you’re going through the motions but still aren’t getting anywhere.

You can’t figure out your own stuff but you know exactly what your brother should be doing. And have a laundry list of suggestions, ready to fire away whenever anyone asks you anything related to him.

There’s definitely something wrong here.

Why Do We Judge People

If you can come up with a blueprint of what your brother should be doing and you can’t figure out how to make things work for yourself, you have a huge problem.

And it’s bigger than you think.

How can you be that involved in someone else’s life when you don’t even have yours altogether?

And I’m sure your brother hasn’t prompted for this level of interference. He probably knows nothing about it.

You’re not even helping him in any way, you just discussion it with everyone else.

Or perhaps you have mentioned it to him a couple of times. But when you’re spewing it out in the same judgmental manner in which you shared it with your friend, it’s no wonder he didn’t listen.

No one wants to hear advice, even if it’s good, when the “subject matter expert” is talking down to them in a very judgmental, finger pointing way.

So give it up. You’re not helping him and you’re just distracting yourself from the real issue.

You.

Instead of confronting your own issues of frustration and stagnation you’re taking aim at everyone else.

I know, after dealing with your crap all day the last thing you’d think to do is get deeper into it. But it’s a whole lot more effective than getting into someone else’s.

You’re all too familiar with the toxic cycle that judging others gets you caught up in.

You shove your judgments down their throats, they lash out against you, doors are slammed following dramatic exits and a period of the silent treatment between the two of you begins.

Instead of dealing with that unnecessary drama wouldn’t you just rather feel better about your life in general?

Eliminate the frustration and get things going. That’s where you should be.

After all, you’re only looking at their issues because you’re avoiding your own. When their issues come with so much more than you bargained for, don’t bother.

Just suck it up and deal with yours.

Stop Being Judgmental

Yup, that’s it. Just stop.

Stop trying to make decisions for other people.

Stop acting like their life is your own. Stop telling them what to do.

Just stop it.

When someone asks you about your brother or what he’s up to, when you respond remember to cut him a break. No one wants to mess up on purpose, so take it easy on him.

You can’t get ahead by putting other people down. Making them look or feel bad will not make your situation any better.

Whenever possible, focus on yourself.

You don’t need any more distractions. It takes the focus away from what it should actually be on.

You have a lot of work to do and it won’t get done if you’re trying to solve problems that others don’t want you to be a part of.

You need a breakthrough in your life to end the stagnation. This is the ticket.

Remember this the next time you find yourself judging others:

1. They make mistakes too

You aren’t the only one who’s floundering and trying to get a grasp on things.

There is no absolute guide to life, and definitely not for the life you’re trying to live. Everyone is just trying to figure things out, just like you.

If they knew the best way to do things they’d already be doing it that way. No one purposely makes a mistake.

They’re doing the best they can at the moment. Mistakes are simply part of the learning process.

Don’t belittle someone for going through the same process you are.

2. Stay in a positive frame of mind

Whenever you’re judging others your mind goes into this dark, negative place which is evident based on your comments. A place where you think everyone else isn’t so smart and continue to do idiotic things.

The thing is when you’re done criticizing other person’s actions, your mind stays in this negative place. You then continue on with a cynical attitude about life.

Suddenly everything irritates you and you have an undying need to rant about any single thing for hours.

So instead of fixing things you’re complaining about them.

There you go again getting distracted.

It’s a lose-lose situation.

3. Have faith

You could find comfort in being judgmental when you have a hard time believing in yourself.

When you’re dealing with that you tend to feel a little better reflecting on someone else in an inferior situation. Especially if it’s something you would have avoided.

But this says little about their situation and much more about you.

You’re having doubts about yourself and are reflecting your feelings onto others.

This is just another way to avoid dealing with your issues. Instead, confront them and rebuild your self-esteem.

4. Release control

Stop being a control freak.

It’s not your life, it’s theirs. They can live it however they want.

You cannot live vicariously through them. You have to live your own life and do things your own way.

So stop expecting other people to do and think as you would. We’re all individuals and are different for a reason.

Embrace that. One day you’ll appreciate it.

5. Timing is everything

Time is a funny thing. You always have it but there never seems to be enough. And once you waste it, you can’t get it back.

So if you’re spending your time making judgments about others instead of figuring out your next move, you’re not spending your time wisely. In fact, you’re wasting it.

Instead of talking at lengths about what others are doing, figure out another way to best use your energy.

I’m sure there is something much more important in your life that could use your attention.

6. Get focused

When you’re accustom to judging others you do it often, and without you even noticing.

Anyone can easily disrupt your focus by simply asking your opinion. It seems like nothing at the moment but it usually isn’t as short-lived as it should be.

You can’t make a breakthrough in your life when you’re focused on everything else outside of it.

Making a lasting change requires focus, consistency and time. So you can’t waste any.

7. Uncover your goals

You’ll find that you may have a lot to say about others’ lives when you have nothing going on in yours.

Think about how your life is and how you want it to be. Consider how happy you are and what would make your happier.

Think about bridging the gap between the two and commit yourself to that task.

Stop Being Judgmental

You may think that your judgments of others are harmless or helpful but in every case it is neither. When you tell other people how to live you can damage a perfectly good relationship.

Not to mention it becomes a counterproductive distraction for you.

Judging others isn’t going to help you make the breakthrough that you’re looking for.  Instead it’s going to ensure that you stay in the same frustrating and stagnant cycle.

This will continue because instead of addressing your own issues you’re too busy passing judgment on others.

Don’t let this distraction eat up any more of your time, energy or focus. You’ve done enough of that already.

Committing to living a judgment free life means enhancing your own life.

It time to take back control.

 

Tell me…

Are you able to stop judging others?

 

 

About Lea


Lea is a certified life coach, foodie and lifehack expert. Donโ€™t end up like the millions of people who gave up on their dreams, get unstuck and to the next level. Take the eye-opening Live Your Dreams course now to get moving!


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  • Hey Lea,

    Great post and topic. I think this is one thing that a lot of people actually do suffer from They’re always quick to judge people on past situations, etc. But judging them is the same as stereotyping or having a pre-conceived notion of someone.

    Thanks for having and sharing the 7 tips as well. #6 is something I suggest those that judge work on.

    Great tips and powerful post.

    – Andrew

    • Lea

      Hey Andrew,

      It’s really unfortunate because judging someone typically has little to do with them. No one thinks from their perspective. Who knows, they probably made the best decision for the situation. They just think other’s should do as they would.

      I completely agree. If they were focused they do less judging.

      Thanks!

      ~Lea

  • Hi Lea,

    This is my outlook on judging others and it’s very simple – especially when you are just about to judge someone.

    “Everyone has something about them that could potentially be judge on”.

    What I mean by this is, by judging others, you then leave your self open to be judged, because you choose to judge others. We all have said words, done things or lived our lives in a way that someone else in the world may perceive as wrong.

    Some people think you are a slut if you have sex outside of marriage
    Some people think you are lazy if you are disabled and can’t work
    Some people think you are scum because of your religion

    I tried to explain this to a friend who disagrees with same sex relationships and thinks all gays are foul and disgusting. A JUDGEMENT. My explanation was, but what if a gay person thinks you are disgusting and foul for smoking or eating meat. ANOTHER JUDGEMENT. They didn’t understand why they are both the exact same thing. It’s making an assumptions based on surface information.

    The way I see it is… If you don’t want to be judged then don’t have the cheek to judge anyone else. If you choose to judge, then be happy to get judged.

    Great topic. One I have VERY strong feelings on ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Lea

      Hi Naomi,

      That is true, a very true outlook. You can’t please everyone, and it doesn’t even need to be your goal. No one has to live their lives based on other people’s perceptions.

      It is hard for some people to picture the shoe on the other foot. They just tend to think that their way is the norm.

      I agree. If you can dish it you should be able to take it.

      Thanks for sharing your views.

      ~Lea

  • jenn mc

    Hey Lea, I love your fierce passion and your commitment to helping people! It hurts to be judged. Especially when the people judging are in your close circle of friends or family. I would love it if everyone was willing and able to find his/her way out of a judgement pattern, but until then, I asses people by their actions and choose who to spend time with based on how they treat me and others. When I’m frustrated when people close to me hurt me unintentionally, I speak an affirmation by Louise Hay like a mantra. “I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe. We are all free.” That really helps me deal with the sting.

    Love your post

    Jenn

    • Lea

      Hey Jenn,

      Thanks so much! ๐Ÿ™‚

      It really does. Sometimes you just want support and understanding from your inner circle but instead you get shamed.

      That’s a good action to take. I also limit my time with people whom I feel is only interest is to bring me down. Who needs that kind of negative energy?

      Good one. Thanks for sharing that. When other judge and try to make me feel bad about my decisions I just remind myself, by saying to myself, that their opinion is not my reality. It helps me to stay focused when their attempt is to knock me off my game.

      Thank you so much Jenn. I really appreciate your comment ๐Ÿ™‚

      ~Lea

      • That’s a good one – their opinion is not my reality! I will use that ๐Ÿ™‚

        • Lea

          Please do! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hi Lea

    I enjoyed reading this post so much.

    You know that people love to point finger on others and forget that thye are also pointing on themselves.

    It is like the good book says that one should remove the log of wood in his eyes before doing that to his brother. Your post reveals the reason so well.

    Thanks for sharing..Have a swell week

    • Lea

      Hi Ikechi,

      I’m so happy to hear you enjoyed it!

      Yes they do. As the saying goes, when you point one at another there are three more pointing back at you.

      Thanks for sharing that piece. Enjoy the week.

      ~Lea

  • mark newsome

    Way to hit it out of the park Lea!

    I literally felt like one of those “Bobble heads”, as my head was going up
    and down nodding in agreement so much to your incredibly insightful
    post!

    All seven points definitely hit home for me, but especially
    #’s 2,3,4 & 6!

    A little soul searching might be in order for me, thanks to you!LOL!

    I guess it’s kinda like the old advice that suggested, you spend
    six months picking the weeds out of your own garden first and
    the next six months not worrying whether your neighbor
    picked theirs or not!

    And your time is allotted for!LOL!Excellent post Lea!Thanks!

    • Lea

      Thanks Mark! I’m glad there was a connection.

      LOL, glad to help!

      Wow, I’ve never heard of that one but it is fitting. When you’ve got your stuff together you’re less impacted by others.

      Thanks for sharing that. I appreciate hearing from you as always!!

      ~Lea

  • Spicy topic, and very well addressed.

    A funny (not in ha ha way) thing is when we encounter the reverse of this. Like how we often know how to be way more forgiving/kinder/accomodating of other people’s flaws than we are of our own. That self criticism stick can be just as sneaky as the judgemental one. I guess in a strange way they are two sides of the same coin. Both of them hinder our progress.

    • Lea

      Thanks Micah!

      Yes it can be like a double edged sword, turning it inward on yourself. Unfortuntely there is a plethora of ways a person can trip themselves up.

      ~Lea

  • Hi Lea, what a powerful post, Thank you for sharing these 7 tips. I wonder if we use judging as a form of procrastination to stop doing the things we need? If we make the comparison we may feel better about ourselves in some way and stop working as we should. The only competition is ourselves, but even then, we may judge ourselves harshly too x

    • Lea

      Hey Sarah,

      Thanks, and thank you for stopping by!

      I definitely think so. That is another way to look at it. Instead of doing what you need to do you decide to judge instead.

      In this case it’s kind of a way of talking yourself out of progress. You figure you’re doing better than them so you stop. I could clearly see that.

      Thanks for the insight from another angle.

      ~Lea

  • Hey Lea,

    I think I mentioned this before, but it goes back to what my college professor use to say which was “You’re quick to point the finger at me, but you forget you have 3 fingers pointing back at you.” … this is very true. I use to do this myself, but I learned that this person wasn’t going to listen to me and I wasn’t going anywhere myself in my life. So what did I do? I focused more on myself more than other people and you know you what? I got a lot more done and made more accomplishments than I would have ever done if I kept judging.

    This was definitely a great reminder of how judging can knock you off track of what you should do with your own life! Thanks for the share Lea!

    • Lea

      Hey Sherman,

      Ha ha! I remember hearing sayings something like that. And it’s true!

      It’s great that you were able to come to that realization, many people don’t. When passing judgment people tend to take on this “holier than thou” complex. Making them superior to the stuff their dishing out.

      Thanks Sherman! I appreciate the feedback.

      ~Lea

  • Hi Lea
    The conversation in the beginning clearly brings out the real picture of your whole article. While discussing about the issue, the person is involved in highlighting the critical points only. They are interested in pointing out the positive out of it.
    It is very easy to judge others. When the ball comes in our court, the person becomes clueless about the real path.
    It’s always better to uncover our goals. In this way, we can direct all the positive energies on our work. And, stop spreading negative vibes around.
    Thanks for coming up with this detailed post.

    • Lea

      Hey Yatin,

      It is so easy to judge others, especially considering the fact that you are clueless to what they are really going through. Anyone can pass simple judgment but it becomes increasing difficult when you’re the one handling it.

      That’s why I don’t like to judge others. You never really know what they’re going through.

      Working on yourself is always a better alternative than being consumed in negativity. Thanks for the comment.

      ~Lea

  • Hi Lea,

    Judging others is a waste of time in my opinion. Live and let live is my motto. If someone is negative, I just walk away. No one can ever change another person, nor has the right to.
    I live by the quote “do onto others as you will have them do unto you” and it is pretty simple when that is in your mindset.
    It is a more peaceful existence for me!

    -Donna

    • Lea

      Hey Donna,

      I’m with you! It surely is.

      Nope you cannot force people to be what you want them to be. Just take them as they are or not at all. The same as they would you.

      Great quote to live by. And it sets a great example for others. Thanks for sharing!

      ~Lea

  • Excellent pointers here Lea. I have always believed that Judging others never really helps, rather they drain our energy. Nobody is perefect and pointing fingers should mean your hands are clean. now the question is: Are they?

    Just like Mother thesera once said, if we judge others, we have no time to love them! Thanks for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Lea

      Thanks. I think it takes over, becoming a huge distraction from real issuses you need to deal with.

      Good question, because typically they’re not. Pointing fingers at someone else is just another way to take the target of your back.

      Thanks for sharing the quote and commenting ๐Ÿ™‚

      ~Lea

  • Rachel

    Hey Lea,
    I always say, you can do whatever you want, be whoever you want but I will judge the actions you do to me. If it is human error I can get over it. But if it has some kind of pre-motivation negativity to it, I don’t want to know. Outside of that I enjoy peoples errors and ways.
    Judgement takes a lot of energy as you say and is negative. If I am sitting in front of a friend I am aiming for a laugh or light hearted fun, but that is not always the case. I have people off load other people to me and they feel as if they have gotten something off their chest.
    Judgement I find is sitting around gossiping about people and I can’t bare to be a part of this. I get bored easy of this behaviour.
    And how do you feel when someone is giving you some unwanted advice and speaking down to you like you are a fool. Information is not received in this manner, in fact it will put immediate walls up. And like you say, get on with your own life rather than trying to fix other peoples.
    I love your words – ‘you turned it into an all out bashing sessions’, great picture words. I’m just about to get on with Lea and focus because I am not going to be judgemental. Talk soon. Rachel.

    • Lea

      Hey Rachel,

      People do tend to pass a lot of judgement when gossiping about others. And they do it in such a way trying to diminish the poor behavior that they are displaying. Like it’s doing the person they’re talking about any good.

      Making people feel bad about their decisions doesn’t make for a good agrument on the unsolicited advise.

      Lol, I’m glad you liked and understood my imagery. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Thanks for stopping by.

      ~Lea